Oral sex, the bond of the couple?

Oral sex, the bond of the couple?

What if oral sex, once taboo, had become the glue of the couple? The treat that resolves anger, boosts libido and bonding… A survey of often enthusiastic women and grateful men.


1972: The film “Deep Throat”, glorifying fellatio in its extreme form, is released in the United States, causing an unprecedented scandal. 2012: France elects François Hollande at the head of the Republic. What connection, you ask? None, a priori. Except that forty years after Linda Lovelace’s oral exploits in that cult movie, the pipe has become “normal”, just like our new presidency. It has become democratized, widespread, commonplace. As proof, this Ifop study from last March, revealing that 81% of women on the left have already performed oral sex (compared to 69% for right-wing voters, who are known to be older). Beyond the political wink, what is striking is the strength of the figures: formerly considered to be a professional practice (in the 1950s, only one in two women admitted to having done so at least once. ), fellatio has left the realm of pornography and prostitution to interfere in everyone’s sex life. According to the last major French sociological study on sexuality (1), 88.5% of women aged 35-39 and 90.5% of men of the same age have had the experience of the pipe. Regarding regular practice, it is close to 70% among 25-34 year olds. In short, today, we suck as we breathe, and young men, bottle-fed with cyberporn, consider the “feather” to be due.

(1) “Survey on sexuality in France. Practices, gender and health ”, by Nathalie Bajos and Michel Bozon (ed. La Découverte).


“I can’t even imagine, when I meet a girl, that she could deny me that! Exclaims Julien, 26 years old single. “Besides, most of the time they come down on their own, no need to ask,” he continues. Same story with all our male witnesses interviewed, who use words without appeal: for them, the pipe is “obligatory”, “unavoidable”, “desirable”, in short, downright essential to their sexuality. “People have perfectly integrated fellatio into a“ normal ”sexual relationship, confirms Damien Mascret, sex therapist. She has become an imposed figure of sexuality, even though 10-20% of people, including young people, are not followers. Today, two-thirds of couples regularly have oral sex, fellatio or cunnilingus. And in the vast majority of cases, it seems to be done with pleasure, or, in any case, without displeasure. Oral sex is no longer seen as a transgression, unlike sodomy. Once this is done, everyone chooses whether or not to fall within the norm. “In fact, the women we interviewed did not shy away from them: they perfectly digested the idea that the pipe is an important factor in the sustainable development of their relationship. If two of them, among the youngest, courageously admit that they consider fellatio as transgressive and say “yuck, yuck” without worrying about the ambient climate of “everyone-does-so-I -m’y-colle ”, the vast majority lend themselves to it with good grace,“ to please ”, and a few give it their all, quite simply because they love to play the“ magic flute ”. », Which they assume loud and clear.


“This is exactly what I observed,” notes Dr. Mireille Dubois-Chevalier, sex therapist. Faced with fellatio, women are divided into three groups: the most numerous are those who do not mind “too much”, who practice fellatio without conviction but with generosity, to meet the wishes of their partner. Others, not so rare, often suffering from psychoaffective immaturity, cannot even contemplate their mouth contacting a penis; their disgust is very strong, and grows stronger if the man is insistent. Finally, there is a minority of women who, through real letting go, manage to eroticize fellatio. They also practice it for themselves, because they have discovered the pleasure that it can give them, like the heroine of “The Art of Joy”, the masterpiece by Goliarda Sapienza (2), which I recommend reading, as the feminine sensuality is well described. One can easily imagine the feast of the senses in the ardent homes of these ladies, but, for all that, the pipe, which remains above all a solid vector of male pleasure, can it be seriously considered as the glue of the couple? as an essential element of its sustainability? The answers differ. For our two specialists, it would be rather no, although … “Nothing acts as cement in a union, except the secret pact that binds it, this pact can just as well cover the absence of sexuality! Blowjob is no more important to the couple than anything else. The main thing is kindness to others. Now, it is certain that fellatio, or any other practice appreciated by partners, helps to calm things down, sometimes even to resolve conflicts, ”replies Mireille Dubois-Chevalier.

(2) Ed. Viviane Hamy.


For Damien Mascret, “fellatio promotes the proper functioning of a couple to the extent that it embodies the acceptance of the other’s desire, the desire to please. But there are many who work very well without it! “This is not the case for Vincent, 41, married for fifteen years, for whom oral sex is a sine qua non of marital harmony. “I say it bluntly: if my wife hadn’t agreed to give me blowjobs, I think I would have gone elsewhere, I like it too much, I can’t imagine life without it! But I would have warned her, so as not to take her as a traitor … “A bastard? “Rather an immature and narcissistic man, who behaves like a capricious little boy who is refused a toy,” analyzes Damien Mascret. Not accepting another’s sexual preferences is a childish attitude. This kind of man looks for an excuse to be unfaithful: here, the refusal of oral sex is only a pretext. The embryo of discord does not nest there, it is just a cue to explore when things are bad. Symptoms and causes should not be confused. Oral sex alone does not have the power to keep a romantic relationship going, nor to repair it, otherwise there would be fewer separations! “This did not prevent Elise, 30, from inventing” sucking therapy “(sic) to save her marriage, as she confided some time ago on the airwaves of Arte Radio:” After the birth of our second child, I felt that Philippe was moving away, he wondered if he still loved me, if we should stay together or not. I had the idea of ​​giving her a blowjob every other day for two months, between 9 and 10 at night. I stuck to it methodically. A man rarely refusing this kind of proposal, it worked. ”


Hélène meditates bitterly on the subject. Her husband left her recently, after eighteen years of living together, throwing a last reproach in her face: “What I missed the most in our history is that you never wanted to swallow my cum! »Gloups. What do our sex therapists say? For Damien Mascret, “it must be remembered that, if men love fellatio so much, it is because, by being thus honored, they are narcissistically devoured by their partner, so much they are irresistible and virile, it is therefore extremely important to them! “For Mireille Dubois-Chevalier, the case of Hélène reveals a disparity often observed in consultation:” If men go spontaneously towards the intimate world of women, by eroticizing cunnilingus very easily, the reverse is not true. Women too often think that, after centuries of feminine availability, men no longer have the right to ask for anything in bed. It is unfair. The fact of not feeling loved in his intimacy can frustrate a man deeply. “The proof:” I blamed myself after this failure, continues Hélène. I’ve thought about it a lot, and in my current dealings with men, I still have questions. My ex cheated on me because of it, but I still couldn’t force myself! »No way! Everyone agrees on this.


“It’s not ‘abnormal’ not to suck if you don’t like it, insists Damien Mascret. It is important to make the other understand, whatever the practice envisaged, that forcing oneself is to be violated in its integrity. I sometimes advise a woman, to make her hesitations better understood, to remind her partner of her own reluctance to be penetrated. The message is getting across very well, this way! Which does not prevent us from wondering about what is getting stuck: hygiene problem? position? The question deserves to be raised, discussed within the couple. “For Hélène, it’s a bit late:” I’m sorry he never spoke to me clearly. At the same time, if he had done so, I might have likened it to blackmail… ”Here we enter the delicate subject of the balance of power: man sucked (or not) versus woman sucker (or not) , who makes the law? “The woman, of course. Strength is on his side, even in his refusal “, exclaims Gérard Lenne, film critic and author of a praise of fellatio (3). All of our witnesses, men and women, agree: of course, the position most frequently imposed by oral sex evokes male domination, but this is without taking into account the unbearable vulnerability of the penis during blowjob. “Can you imagine what you dare to put between your jaws? »Smiles Patrick, 50 years old. This echoes the verbatim of the women, well aware of a power some of which do not hesitate to play brazenly (and we are not talking here, of course, of inopportune nicks): “A good pipe is very effective in the negotiation phase, when I want to make it give way on the color of a wallpaper or on the location of our future vacations, ”admits Adèle, 39 years old. As for Julie, 35, she uses it squarely to manage daily life: “No pipe if I have something to charge her: little last forgotten in the nursery or pile of laundry piling up. But fellatio at will if I need to be forgiven for something or to coax him, so that he can babysit the children when I go to seminary! “As much to tell you that our shrinks choke when they hear that, but, between us, we know very well that the girls of” Sex and the City “are right when they declare, with a knowing air:” OK, when we suck them, we are on our knees. But, at the same time, we hold them by the balls. So much wisdom commands respect.

Article published on the Elle website.

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